


Not About Angels

by prinanalogicality



Category: Thomas Sanders
Genre: Heavy Angst, Sad, inspired by Not About Angels by Birdy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 02:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10732236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinanalogicality/pseuds/prinanalogicality
Summary: Anxiety has dreams.





	Not About Angels

**Author's Note:**

> This is also on my tumblr, prinanalogicality. I take requests! :)

_We know full well there’s just time_

Anxiety stares down at his hands, a furrow set firmly between his brows. Why do these things always have to happen to him? Why can he not have one day, just _one single day_ where he doesn’t have to deal with thoughts constantly attacking him, words thrown carelessly, circumstances with only the goal of making him _suffer_.

_So is it wrong to dance this line?_

The Valentine’s Day video. He knows Morality meant no harm. Anxiety, in turn, hadn’t meant to hold Roman’s hand. He was given the chance to display his own ideas on how to get a date, and, considering how rare it is that the others actually give him opportunities to express his true thoughts, he had taken it on. Morality hadn’t meant to cause trouble, he only pulled the girl aside to have wholesome fun. Because of that, when Anxiety reached out to hold her hand, he held Roman’s, and it was painfully surreal to see Anxiety’s opinions on himself personified by the sheer disgust on Roman’s face when he noticed Anxiety grasping his hand. A scream had erupted on both ends, but from completely different places - Roman’s from how revolted he was to come into physical contact with Anxiety and Anxiety’s from living through his dreams being shattered to pieces. He played it off as having a shared distaste for the contact with Roman, it is easier that way. It makes it easier to hide the fact that he is totally, completely, one hundred percent in undeniable love with the royal.

_If your heart was full of love,_

He loves the way Roman sings. He loves the way Roman’s eyes twinkle when he speaks of his passions. He loves the way Roman gives his all to protect Thomas, even when Anxiety is the one forced to endure the constant blame and pointed fingers. The hurt he takes on when blamed makes it much simpler for Anxiety to achieve his goals of hiding his emotions. He would rather be seen as the bad guy over being seen as the vile, lovesick fool.

_Could you give it up?_

The video where Thomas loses his motivation. It hurt that the others had immediately blamed Anxiety for Thomas’s woes, but nothing cut as deeply as when Roman appeared only to blame him as well. It isn’t like Anxiety can properly defend himself, all he ever has to say is either met with dismissal or disdain.

“I’m not _always_ the bad guy.”

“Aw, of course you’re not, big guy.”

_‘Cause what about, what about angels?_

Anxiety prefers being alone in his room over being around the others. The others existed within Thomas’s mind space before him, he was the newest facet to develop. Before him, Thomas was overall much happier, and they all know it. The others aren’t inherently cruel to Anxiety, no, but they avoid him. They know what he represents. He represents the negativity within their host. If Anxiety could, he would avoid himself as well. It makes his existence much more manageable when he can be alone, but then there are times when he is summoned, and he _loathes_ being summoned.

_They will come, they will go, make us special_

One thing that the other traits will never understand is that Anxiety never goes out of his way to make Thomas feel terribly, no. He is the embodiment of Thomas’s anxiety, but he is not in charge of Thomas’s anxiety levels directly. Whenever Thomas begins feeling nervous or upset over something, Anxiety is often torn from his room and shows up where he then has to do his job. Anxiety’s job is not to make Thomas’s life difficult (that’s what he tries to reassure himself), he isn’t cruel. The others view him as dry and sarcastic, but Anxiety is not evil. Brutally honest, yes, but he only speaks of all he knows. He speaks of his fears, the constant thoughts swirling within his head in order to protect Thomas in the only way he knows how, only to be rebuked for being himself.

_Don’t give me up_

He has dreams. He dreams that one day, he can speak to the other facets as freely as they communicate with one another. He craves the physical closeness that Morality and Logan share. His body yearns to be touched, even a gentle hand on his shoulder, a brush of a fingertip over his cheek, but it isn’t meant to be. He dreams of being with Roman, of being happy, of being able to let some of the light within himself shine through. Of course, none of it is realistic. Especially the notion of light existing within such a being.

_Don’t give… me up_

A defeatist. That’s all Anxiety is. The video Thomas made about originality was a nail in the coffin, Anxiety finally has a term to describe himself, thanks to Logan. He is someone always ready to accept failure, because that is all he has known. The others push the bill that Anxiety is never right, that he shouldn’t be around. He wishes he could believe them, but it is engrained into his being to be who he is, how is he to help that?

_How unfair, it’s just our luck_

There are times of tenderness. Times off camera, where he is allowed peace. He can sit in the living room, in his chair, the others sat on the sofa together. They hardly ever speak to him, but that’s all right. They laugh and he is given peace of mind, bits of proof that he really is allowed to be happy and exist around the others. He sees Morality kissing Logan and holding his hand and he wants that, he wants someone to look at him the way they look at each other, but he doesn’t bet on such unrealistic ideals. His fingertips tingle with the need to reach for Roman, to gain his attention, but he is not allowed that. That’s fine. These moments of downtime are enough.

_Found something real that’s out of touch_

He knows he will never be able to feel this way about anything or anyone else. He knows that Roman is it for him, no matter how far he searches.

_But if you’d searched the whole wide world_

But he needs to let it go.

_Would you dare to let it go?_

The defeatist within himself is right in this instance. There is no hope for Roman and himself. Roman has a strong opinion on Anxiety, and that opinion is severely negative. They argue far too often, he tells of his dislike openly. Anxiety welcomes the insults, at this point, because each jab helps him to become more numb. Maybe one day the insults will have no affect, because he won’t be able to feel them anymore. They will muddle together into a bunch of nothingness to him, and what little hope Anxiety has is that his feelings will also become nothing to him.

_‘Cause what about, what about angels?_

People like Anxiety (dark) don’t deserve love.

_They will come, they will go, make us special_

People like Anxiety (bad) are meant to exist in darkness.

_Don’t give me up_

People like Anxiety (horrible) have no right to seek help from the light.

_Don’t give… me up_

People like Anxiety (alone) don’t deserve to have people (Dad?) bust his door down to check up on him, because he hasn’t left his room in so long and his crying could be heard through the door.

_‘Cause what about, what about angels?_

People like Anxiety (desperate) don’t deserve to have tissues pressed against their damp cheeks or warm hands pressing on their shoulders, making their body _pine_ for more contact. They don’t deserve to have another person (Logan?) come in, trying to teach them breathing exercises.

_They will come, they will go, make us special_

People like Anxiety (vile) don’t deserve to be tortured with this guilt-fueled care. People like Anxiety (appalling) don’t deserve to stare into the face of all they want, love, need, only to watch as it leaves, leaving them to the devices of others.

People like Anxiety (good) deserve to be held. People like Anxiety (genuine) deserve to be shown care like anyone else. People like Anxiety (scared) deserve to have a shoulder to lean on. People like Anxiety (pleading) deserve to believe these things.

People like Anxiety (loving) don’t deserve to be avoided, left, given up on, abandoned, all because of who they are.

_It’s not about, not about angels_

People like Anxiety -

_(Angels)_


End file.
